I’ve been away to a couple of places over the last week with my wife and some friends.
The first trip, on a dance weekend, I mustered up the courage to wear some quite feminine pink coral drop earrings rather than just studs. I also painted a couple of nails, which I had grown long and shaped. This may not sound much but it broke through a barrier for me and I found that it was so easy to be accepted. No-one really batted an eyelid. Friends made one or two comments, or interest really, nothing uncomfortable.
The second trip was just with my wife, in France. Here I painted my nails in a light pink pearly shade (fingers and toes) and wore drop earrings in the evening and during the day. I also wore a feminine pearl drop necklace and a pearl bracelet and wore some light make-up to dinner on two nights. Again this was a big step forward for me.
I am gradually escaping from my paralysing fear of wearing feminine things – it is extremely liberating. I feel that I am finally allowing my real self to come to the fore which ha hitherto been severely hindered by my false (compliant) self that says I should be a ‘normal’ middle-class business type. Although I did have the odd look I found that it didn’t bother me. I felt like I was asserting who I am. Whereas I had known that I could do this intellectually it took a lot of courage to do it physically.
I am so privileged to have a wife who encourages me in this. She doesn’t like the body shaping, wigs, heels and dresses – but is happy with make-up and jewellery.
So, an important few days for me! Not sure what the next teps are but just basking in the satisfaction of these at the moment.
Yesterday I went out for dinner with one of my closest male friends. Up until then I had only told female friends – I was quite scared of telling my male friends…
He had seen my pierced ears last time we went out and was interested why. I told him that I would tell him next time. He asked me last night so I showed him some of my pics and asked him to say who it was. He was quite stunned and said “you’re a good looking woman” – which, of course, warmed my heart.
He took it really well, though, really acceptinig. He asked a few questions about it and I told him some of my stories, like walking past a bar where my work colleagues were sitting, fully dressed, and them not noticing – and what a buzz that was.
So – gradually making progress and normalising my feminine side into my broader life. This was a big milestone for me and I am now even thining about telling my old schol mates who I see every couple of months. That will take some courage though…
This week I presented mysef as Christine to my therapist – not physically – but in terms of me personally. I have been having personal therapy for 18 months – which I needed to do for my counselling course – but which I have found intensely valuable. I have discussed my transgender issues on numerous occasions – in fact it has been the main theme – but this is the first time I have talked as Christine.
It was a very emotional session. Lots of tears. I felt very vulnerable, embarrassed and timid – but it was a profound experience that touched into areas that I had never previously been into. I realised how much I had been suppressing a huge part of my personality. My therapist was wonderful – treating it as a first session for a new client. I finally admitted a huge part of me into the counselling room and feel that this is a real breakthrough in my personal progress. Interestingly I have felt more confident and open in my subsequent interactions in various situations – both professional and personal. I am looking forward to explorinng more along this avenue.
I haven’t had a chance to dress for about 6 months now – and it is starting to tell. I think my sore throat is indicative of me suppressing my feminine voice. My last post was about having my ears pierced – which is my one lifeline to my feminine side. At least I can touch them and feel a bit girly. I need to do something about this….
My elderly parents are needing a lot of support at the moment and I am feeling the need to escape into my feminine persona and set myself free.
Sounds so simple – yet it is very significant for me, and quite emotional. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for years – in fact since I was a teenager – but never felt I was allowed to do it. So this is an expression of who I am – a statement. Continuing my unfolding…
I spoke to my counselling group again today about my transgender situation and was again touched and encouraged by their support. I feel that I am called to be a pioneer in helping to gain acceptance for a more tolerant attitude towards freedom of gender expression, in my own small way. I am looking forward to fulfilling my part in this significant venture which many other brave people have already made significant steps in their social mileux.
Last week I shared my TG story with my female counselling group. I was scared beforehand but was overwhelmed by the positive reposne I had, so warm, accepting and loving. It was a very special moment and has allowed me to accept myself even more. It feels like a new beginning – although I’m sue there will be some rough seas ahead – but that moment will stay with me forever.