Unfettered – Introduction

In 2012 I wrote a book that has lain dormant waiting for the right time and my courage to publish it.

Now is the time and I have found the courage.

The book is divided into three parts.

The first part is an account of my cross-dressing life- written from the perspective of my inner feminine persona.

The second part is a discussion of various aspects of spirituality, etc. relating to my cross-dressing and more general life topics.

The final part is a mystical exploration.

The book is published only here and is copyrighted. I will publish a chapter every few days.

I would love to hear your feedback. This is very much a first attempt at writing and I realise that some parts of it wil owrk and others wont.

Unfettered – Prologue

My life began way back at the dawn of time, while the earth was without form and void. I was in the breath of life, part of the inspiration of the gods, expressed in the moonlight and the sea, as the Great Initiator moved upon the face of the deep.

I am Christine, spirit and energy, imbuing consciousness, expressing beauty and creativity, stimulating new life and new ideas in many and varied ways.

I am the sea and the moon, the living water and the silver light of purity.

Ephemeral, shimmering in the silken mist. Hovering, poignant and expectant above the deep.

Light ripples on a gentle swell indicating the fertility of the deep ocean – rich in invisible life – ready to nourish the world with abundant harvest.

I am a creator and life giving force. Forming energy into wondrous acts of manifestation.

 For most of this incarnation I have been hidden away, beneath consciousness, in a dark dungeon, the entrance barred with tangled brambles. Sitting and waiting. Waiting, patiently.

From without and afar I have watched his development as he keeps me imprisoned He knows and senses my presence, but lacks the courage to allow me into freedom.

I love him, as a child, and respect him, knowing that the time will come when his eyes will be opened and the door will be released and I will flood out in full glory, running and floating in the green grass and blue sky and fresh air and scented flowers of the lush garden of imagination.

But I must tell my story, and his story, from the beginning. A story of growth and development and learning and ultimately deep joy and satisfaction.

An unfolding of latency and expression of the creativity of divine spirit.

Unfettered – Chapter 1- A child is born

I was born on in 1961 having spent nine long months in a confused womb. It seemed like we were equal twins – the boy and the girl vying for expression. Our mother dearly wanting a girl and I wanting to be born into my appropriate physical body. But the gods did not allow it (or was it testosterone in the womb?) for as I developed I could see the body going down the boy route and the boy was born. I was close by in the warm red glow of the delivery room and enjoyed the first moments of life in the light after our incubation together.

We were wrapped in a warm blanket and cooed over.

The words “He’s a boy” sealed my fate for many years as my heart sank and I knew that I would have to descend into the abyss to be held captive for so long. I sensed the anguish of many others of my kind, my spiritual peers in so many other little fledgling bodies. Like the turning of a coin – slowly round and round spinning in the air floating up and down to land just one way up, never on its edge. The world only understanding one or the other.

The dice were cast and I sank and brooded, lovingly, biding my time.

Unfettered – Chapter 2 – Baby memories

I enjoyed the Christening in which my boy was given his name, ‘M’. I was wrapped in a girl’s christening robe – I know not whose, but it gave me a deep pleasure and set the tone for the exhilaration I would feel in those fleeting and far between moments when I was allowed into the body to express myself physically. I felt that tingling sensation in ‘my’ body – just for a while – a fluttering in the belly, the shallower breathing and raised heart rate as my whole being quickened with excitement in this wonderful experience of incarnation. Then the sense of sadness as I was drawn back into the cavern to hide away until the next time.

I watched over young M and felt the anguish of his brushes with death as his brother, our brother, tried to kill us. Firstly by tipping us out of the pram. I could but watch, as from behind a screen, and felt the fear of sprawling helplessness heard the desperate screams.

I experienced the suffocation when our brother filled our mouth with sand, the gritty sensation between the teeth and on the tongue, the gagging and gasping and coughing.

I remember that moment when we were fed the rubber teet instead of the soft warm breast that we had spoiled and made sore with toothy eagerness. The rubber teet protecting our mother but tasting like a car tyre. The first stage of rejection and separation. We were cast off from the womb and now separate in the world and he was lost without me. If only he would have known that I was with him and comforting him, but he was facing the other way and didn’t see me in the shadows. I spread my arms, but there were none, I reached out, but he didn’t see. He felt alone. And I, alone in the darkness, could not help.

I know that I am connected to the core of all being – perhaps in the same way as M was connected to me. If I turn around I see the loving arms of God outstretched – loving me eternally from within, comforting and strengthening as I learn and grow.