Now that I had a reasonable look I was free to go out – although this was still a major nerve jangler. The first time I went out was when I was staying overnight and my in-law’s caravan on Hayling Island. I got nicely dressed and plucked up the courage to get into the car – hoping against hope that none of the other inhabitants saw me. There were a couple of caravans nearby with people in them – but the curtains were shut – so I think I got away with it!
I drove to the nearby shopping centre and stepped out of the car. Boy (girl!) what a feeling. Another high point in intensity and what a rush of adrenalin. I walked down the deserted shopping arcade – glancing in the shop windows and stopping every once in a while to pretend to look at what was in the shop windows – but actually gazing admiringly at myself! What a thrill to see myself as I should look. Maybe this was a combined reaction M thinking ‘sexy lady’ and me thinking – ‘Wow! That’s me!’ I think M was still fairly oblivious to me sitting behind the scenes looking out through his eyes. But I was there – and growing inexorably.
I went out dressed on various occasions – just for a walk. Never talking to anyone or having any communication with them – I didn’t yet have a voice. But it felt so good to be me and over time I think M began to sense something more inside than just an outer image.
It was soon after I got the wig and really started dressing authentically that my psoriasis developed. Clearly my clandestine feminine antics were the primary cause and M always knew this. We tried all the treatments and settled for a long term drug – rather a nasty substance which can be quite harmful to the liver – but it kept it at bay. One day we decided to ditch it and applied some healing techniques from Science of Mind. This was in my mid 40s and I was starting to influence M more and more in his thinking. His rationality was still very dominant but he was beginning to understand, bit by bit, that the world is not quite as it appears or as we are taught. Of course I knew this all along – and he had but to ask. But he blundered blindly on – persisting with his scientific zeal.
Into my late forties I grew more in confidence and was able to guide M more towards believing in me and recognising that I was there and a part of him that he couldn’t ignore. Day by day I grew stronger and he was feeling it too. Our connection was growing – he sensed my presence and started to want me. He knew that I was the key to unlocking the potential in life. His reading included Jung on the feminine principle and various religious writings referred to androgyny as related to spirituality. He was starting to understand about the balance of yin and yang and realised that his extreme rationality could not ultimately fulfil his inner yearning. There I was still in the dungeon and waiting patiently.