I have been very quiet since I joined as it has been a lull for me as I have stopped working away and haven’t had a chance to dress for about a year.
Last Thursday I went away on a residential weekend for my counselling course (I am training to be a psychodynamic counsellor) and I was able to dress for 2 evenings and one whole day with the rest of the class and tutors (all female). It was the most amazing experience. One of my classmates came into my room when I was ready and her jaw nearly hit the floor. She kept saying how amazing I looked and hugging me. She said she wanted to cry (so did I). She then escorted me down to the bar to meet the others and the reaction was similarly positive. I had dinner with them and went to the bar afterwards. I felt so relaxed and ‘me’ as you will all understand.
The following day I decided to spend the whole day en femme, and that was simply amazing as well, just doing normal class stuff as a girl. I even did a role play to try out how it would feel to be a female counsellor which went really well. One of the class reacted badly to seeing me dressed (I think it triggered something from her childhood) but the others were totally positive and supportive. The second evening I put on my red dress and shoes and glammed up a bit more. The first evening I was wearing a smart, but more conservative, dress.
This has completely opened up my view of what I can do as a woman. The fantasies I have of public speaking and doing other things as a woman now seem real prospects.
I spoke to an orgainsation last week who may have some work for me in a place where I can dress! Unbelievably exciting. It seem like an exact match – somewhere where I can really add some value. My fingers are all crossed. Don’t want to count my chickens though…
I’ve been away to a couple of places over the last week with my wife and some friends.
The first trip, on a dance weekend, I mustered up the courage to wear some quite feminine pink coral drop earrings rather than just studs. I also painted a couple of nails, which I had grown long and shaped. This may not sound much but it broke through a barrier for me and I found that it was so easy to be accepted. No-one really batted an eyelid. Friends made one or two comments, or interest really, nothing uncomfortable.
The second trip was just with my wife, in France. Here I painted my nails in a light pink pearly shade (fingers and toes) and wore drop earrings in the evening and during the day. I also wore a feminine pearl drop necklace and a pearl bracelet and wore some light make-up to dinner on two nights. Again this was a big step forward for me.
I am gradually escaping from my paralysing fear of wearing feminine things – it is extremely liberating. I feel that I am finally allowing my real self to come to the fore which ha hitherto been severely hindered by my false (compliant) self that says I should be a ‘normal’ middle-class business type. Although I did have the odd look I found that it didn’t bother me. I felt like I was asserting who I am. Whereas I had known that I could do this intellectually it took a lot of courage to do it physically.
I am so privileged to have a wife who encourages me in this. She doesn’t like the body shaping, wigs, heels and dresses – but is happy with make-up and jewellery.
So, an important few days for me! Not sure what the next teps are but just basking in the satisfaction of these at the moment.
Yesterday I went out for dinner with one of my closest male friends. Up until then I had only told female friends – I was quite scared of telling my male friends…
He had seen my pierced ears last time we went out and was interested why. I told him that I would tell him next time. He asked me last night so I showed him some of my pics and asked him to say who it was. He was quite stunned and said “you’re a good looking woman” – which, of course, warmed my heart.
He took it really well, though, really acceptinig. He asked a few questions about it and I told him some of my stories, like walking past a bar where my work colleagues were sitting, fully dressed, and them not noticing – and what a buzz that was.
So – gradually making progress and normalising my feminine side into my broader life. This was a big milestone for me and I am now even thining about telling my old schol mates who I see every couple of months. That will take some courage though…
This week I presented mysef as Christine to my therapist – not physically – but in terms of me personally. I have been having personal therapy for 18 months – which I needed to do for my counselling course – but which I have found intensely valuable. I have discussed my transgender issues on numerous occasions – in fact it has been the main theme – but this is the first time I have talked as Christine.
It was a very emotional session. Lots of tears. I felt very vulnerable, embarrassed and timid – but it was a profound experience that touched into areas that I had never previously been into. I realised how much I had been suppressing a huge part of my personality. My therapist was wonderful – treating it as a first session for a new client. I finally admitted a huge part of me into the counselling room and feel that this is a real breakthrough in my personal progress. Interestingly I have felt more confident and open in my subsequent interactions in various situations – both professional and personal. I am looking forward to explorinng more along this avenue.
I haven’t had a chance to dress for about 6 months now – and it is starting to tell. I think my sore throat is indicative of me suppressing my feminine voice. My last post was about having my ears pierced – which is my one lifeline to my feminine side. At least I can touch them and feel a bit girly. I need to do something about this….
My elderly parents are needing a lot of support at the moment and I am feeling the need to escape into my feminine persona and set myself free.
Sounds so simple – yet it is very significant for me, and quite emotional. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for years – in fact since I was a teenager – but never felt I was allowed to do it. So this is an expression of who I am – a statement. Continuing my unfolding…